Wants and wishes

In a sort of
'I wish this were true'
way
I wish I weren't lying
I wish I weren't typing whatever came into
my head first
because
I really want to rule the world
and be clad in diamonds
and drink soup out of a cup
on a cold winters night
and I want to fall in love and eat
what I'd like
and
think things that matter
to more than just me

but
but
but
NO
I want to be myself and
not care what you think
or what they think
or how my grade in algebra
is lower than the
room temperature
in Celsius
(an it is  cold in here)

I want to have no wants
and have no wishes and
I don't want you!

I want to live and love and forever think of ways to make a difference to someone who isn't me
and have them sometimes work
and sometimes fail
miserably
and I want to be happy with that

I want to be normal
but to turn heads
when I smile

I don't want to smile
Because my teeth don't glimmer
or glitter
Goddammit
they don't  bedazzle you
and what am I supposed to do
with teeth that don't bedazzle you?
I mean
there's the obvious
(I could pull the suckers out)
And since
they don't make you fall in love with me
(though, I can certainly understand why)
what good are they?

Back to wants

I want to scale a mountain
and not break a sweat
or have my limbs turn black
and fall off

I want to love just to love
with no pre-conceived notions or ideas
blocking off what I
really
really
really
want

I want to wish upon a falling star
and have my wish cling to its tail
until it goes somewhere
it will be granted
with a flashboomkabam of
pretty colors
and a heartfelt
"Congratulations!"
that I'll ignore

I want to stick my head in a bowl of hot water
and come up wiser than before
and be able to throw watermelons
off the roof without
being labeled as trivial
and easy to please

I want to spend a day
crying in the dark
where no one can see me
with unknowable things dripping out of
my nose
and I want to sob myself to sleep
and wake up and never have to cry again

I want to jump out of a plane
with no parachute
and no plan or way to survive
and just be able to savor how good it feels to
fall
downwards

I want scraped knees to hurt so much more than broken hearts or
the moments of awkward silence
when we realize
we're not really friends anymore
so why are we sitting here, anyways?

I want to never doubt that I am loved
and never have to suspect that a smile is fake

I want to spell out my feelings for my friends in
orange tic tacs
and milano cookies
and beef jerky strips downed in a second
and have them understand

I want to know what I feel is real
and not preconditioned
or god help me
an acting skill
I didn't know I had

I want to know that every time you lie to me
you suffer from a sort of
psychedelic
karma
that you don't even believe in

I want to twirl round and round and round
in a horrible, sickly
sort-of-circle
until I fall over laughing
at something
that you'd maybe never understand

I want puns to come back in style, because they'd be a damn site more clever than your mama.

I want to paint my toes every color of the rainbow
so I can look down
and ignore the stripy tan I got
from wearing strapped sandals
in the middle of summer

I want to braid my hair into a million tiny little braids, and dye them each a different color, so I can close my eyes and shake my head, and let the world see me.

Forget that, I want an afro, so I can get a cool nickname

I want to make a bobble head of you
so that I can whack it upside the head
and not feel horribly guilty afterwards

I want to have a fairy tale ending
with singing birds and sincere words
and maybe even wedding plans?

I want to have kids
so I can lift them up
and spin them around
and tell them how much I love them
and make sure that they know that
even if they've done something
not good
and very bad
I will  always be there for them

I want to do handstands
and slides and
triple back flips
in real life,
instead of just my head
and not run the risk of pain

I want this horrible paranoia
that you don't want me
and that I was less of a 'surprise'
and more of an 'accident'
or a 'mistake'
to just go away

I want to know whether I really like you
or if this is just some silly
pubescent schoolgirl crush
I shouldn't be having

I want to stop telling a story
when a sentence would do
because really
who cares that much about what I have to say?